Have there been any in-law clashes/issues? How have those been worked through/resolved?
When we were first married, I really struggled in a relationship with my mother-in-law. I felt as though she was really having a hard time cutting the apron strings with my husband. There were also differences in how she expected to help out and be involved when kids came along and how I wanted to be helped with the kids. There were a lot of clashes, and my husband was caught in the middle.
I think time and space was a huge factor in those issues being resolved. Understanding each other’s perspectives also helped.
Lately I’ve tried to do something specifically for her each month to keep in touch. By looking for ways to connect with her (usually with pictures or notes or cookies made by the kids), I think it’s helped me a ton in seeking a relationship with her rather than spurning it.
I don’t have a good relationship with my father-in-law (divorced from husband’s mom), and that has been really tough on my husband. There are many things that have happened in the amount of time that I have know my father-in-law that have bothered me, and it’s made it extremely difficult to want to be around him. I know I need to work on this, but it is really, really tough.
I enjoy spending time with my siblings-in-law. My favorite thing is watching my husband with his siblings because they love to laugh and goof around together in a very fun way.
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5 comments:
This is a struggle in many relationships I have found over the years. I had a good relationship (I thought) with my in-laws before we had kids but once we started having them things definitely seemed to change. Now don't get me wrong, I don't think there has ever been anything done in malice or even with the slightest negative feeling on their part. They have just taken the 'I'm a grandparent so I can spoil them if I want' attitude a little too far. It has put Ty in a funny position on several occasions, mostly because a lot of what happened would be said or done when he wasn't around. There were many times where instead of saying no you can't do that or can't have that it would be said as 'you're mom doesn't want you to do that' or something to that effect. Instead of just saying no, I was made the bad guy (because as with a lot of moms of boys, their son couldn't possibly be doing anything wrong). I have had a hard time getting across that 1. it's not just ME being bossy or strict (something that they definitely were not with their boys) that it is a team effort with me and Ty and 2. that even if you don't like it WE are the parents and you have to follow OUR rules.
The kids diet/eating habits was a HUGE issue, in fact it was the biggest problem we have had to date. When we would visit or they would visit us the junk they would give them was unreal! Gross and disgusting was a good description. Not that I am a huge strict healthy eater by any stretch of the imagination but I have always tried to monitor the junk intake and the sugar most of all. We bought natural applesauce with no artificial or added sugar, we didn't get sweets much and if we did it was homemade cookies, no twinkies and snack cakes and stuff like that. Well when we go home to visit, on the table piled, literally, would be 3-4 types of potato chips, and cookies and zebra cakes and corn chips and pb crackers and....you see where I am going...anyway the kids were terrible while we were there, literally bouncing off the walls because they'd get the stuff when I wasn't looking (for space reasons at their house it couldn't really be put out of sight). I talked til I was blue in the face and nothing seemed to help. Until, we moved to the same town for the couple months before coming here. My MIL had been watching the kids while we had been doing some errands or something and I don't know what they had while we were gone but in the hour that we had been back, at their house, my oldest, then 5, had had a drink or several of her Dr Pepper (which was and is a HUGE no-no), shared a piece of choc cake, had 2 pieces of bread/muffin thing, a handful of m&m's and some crackers. I said nothing, just waited! About 30 min or so passed and I tapped her on the arm and said take a look at her....she looked over at my daughter who was trembling! She was physically trembling, while she was running around the living room, she was on a sugar buzz, completely. MIL looked at me and said Oh MY what is wrong with her, is she ok. I calmly said, yep she will be as soon as that sugar wears off. MIL looked shocked and protested, but when I listed it all off and the time frame and reminded her that even though it's not actual sugar, that bread and such is carbs which burn as sugar she was amazed. and you know, she's been loads better since then! It's like she needed to see it to believe it. Just couldn't wrap her brain around the fact that a bag of M&Ms is only one serving but it's an ADULT serving not a childs. We have still had a few little hiccups since then but that really made a difference. Our relationship has grown because of it. Again like a lot of things, it has gotten easier as the kids have gotten older too. You know it's funny though, I know she thinks or at least thought that we were very strict with our kids and she didn't like it or didn't agree or something, but in their defence, they never missed an opportunity to brag at how well mannered they are or how good kids they were, how well they listened, etc. to friends, or coworkers when we would visit at work. So it was a big compliment to us. So obviously they approved on some level anyway even if they maybe didn't understand it.
I am so thankful that I have wonderful in-laws. We have gotten along from the beginning and there have never been any issues. Maybe some of it comes from living 1600 miles apart! J Seriously though I think we would get along even if they lived next door.
Similar to Tonya's post- my husband and I all get along quite well with our in-laws. Yep, we don't live near them, but even when we're together things are comfortable and peaceful and feel like they are true family.
I think there's something to be said for distance. Both Phil and I get along great with my family and parents that lives in Reno, but all our other families (3) live locally and we have had major problems with them all. Not always ongoing problems, but the frequency of our troubled encounters makes it difficult to say we have "good" relationships with them.
The problem we both see, with our own parents and our in-laws, seems to be the lack of effort on their part. For example, though they all live 45 minutes away or less, none of them will take the time to drive up to see us or the kids, even if we specifically invite them. On several occasions, we have been told that it's too much time in the car or gas $ for them to come see us, or to come help us out by babysitting the kids, so they'll only help us or visit with the kids if we bring them down. Personally, I think that's ridiculous. When all of them are relatively young and mobile, and all working at decent paying jobs with no kids left at home to support, there is no reason that we, who are just starting our family and trying to support a family of 5 on 1 small income, should have to do all of the driving and put forth all of the effort all of the time. As a result, our kids dont see their grandparents more than 3-4 times a year. Sad.
As another example, 11 weeks ago, we were in the hospital having our 3rd baby. We have 3 sets of parents within a 45 minute drive, and NO ONE would come up to watch our other kids. We even knew when we would be going to the hospital in advance because of a scheduled induction, and they STILL wouldn't give up any time to help us out and come and spend time with the grandkids. My parents decided that it was more important to go up to the lake cabin for the weekend, and one set of my in-laws thought that stuff they had going on at church that weekend was too important to miss to help us out. And my other set of in-laws were simply "busy". We ended up having to call our neighbors to watch our kids while we had the baby....and they took a day off work to stay and watch our kids so we could stay at the hospital together. Sounds like a job that family should have taken, doesn't it? My parents didn't even come to see us in the hospital for either of our last 2 kids' births...it just interfered too much with their plans.
I know that there are worse situations out there concerning parents and in-laws that we have, but it gets really frustrating to always be the ones making the effort. And if we don't, they act all that more pathetic and neglected. We have found no other choice than to intentionally let these relationships suffer by scaling down our efforts. For now we have chosen to focus on our own growing family and start our own new family traditions for holidays and stuff, but the unfortunate part is that the kids are the ones who suffer by not having those relationships....or do they? How much do you really suffer from not having a relationship with someone that doesn't have time for you anyways? If anything, these relational difficulties have made us resolve to be there for our own kids when the time comes, and to have relationships with our grandkids.
For the most part we have good relationships withour inlaws. Jason gets along well with my family and we see them every couple of months or so. We take turns driving down to see them and them coming up to see us. I'm so glad that we live close enough to do that, they are only about 2 hours away.
With my inlaws it's a little harder. I get along great with my husbands dad and step mom and his siblings. HIs mother however is harder to love. We've had issues since we started dating because she didn't like me and it's been rough ever since. My husband has had issues with her his whole life so he gets how i feel. We make an effort to stay in touch with her and we see her about once a year. Her visits are never easy and we have to kind of just "get through it". But over all it's ok. We spend most holidays with my family or with our friends here in town. We look forward to having a house with guest rooms so that they can come see us for christmas and my husband can get away when he wants to.
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